


Harry Potter Crack Oneshots

by LunarCycle (CrystalNavy)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-20
Updated: 2019-11-26
Packaged: 2021-02-16 08:08:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21504619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrystalNavy/pseuds/LunarCycle
Summary: A collection of Harry Potter crack one-shots.
Kudos: 11





	1. A Secret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Harry Potter is gay, and Moody is gay and evil.

Love came in all shapes and sizes, and one Harry Potter understood this now. 

He watched as Cedric and Cho danced, and he was filled to the brim with jealousy. But, to his dismay, he found out that he was jealous for rather unusual reasons.

He heard a familiar sound, and felt Mad-Eye Moody's hand on his shoulder.

"I know what's going through your mind now, son." Moody grinned in a rather creepy manner 

"You can read minds?"

"Yes, in a way." Moody revealed "My magical eye allows me to peek into your mind."

"And you understand?"

"Yes." Moody affirmed "I am gay too, and the object of my affections doesn't return my feelings either."

"Really?" Harry asked "Who is it?

"D.....Dumbledore." Moody said "We've been friends for so long. I've been wanting him to take our relationship to the next level, but he's too hung up on Grindelwald to care."

"Oh." Harry nodded, turning around to stare some more at Cedric and Cho, who were doing a macarena.

-Moody's mind-

Barty Crouch Junior was prostrated in front of his Dark Lord, whose bald head reflected the sunlight.

He was wearing a wedding dress for some reason, while Voldemort was dressed in a tuxedo.

"Please, my Lord." Barty gasped "Take me and ravage me under the moonlight."

"I can't." Voldemort said quietly "You're too lovable and loyal for that. We'll have to do it in bed, after I take over the world. For now, let us kiss."

Barty closed his eyes, and felt a kiss on the lips. When he opened his eyes, it wasn't Voldemort who was kissing him.

It was a Dementor.

Well, his soul belonged to his Dark Lord anyway.

-Real world-

Moody frowned. He almost let slip who the true object of his affections was. Luckily, he managed to cover it up well.

He watched as Harry seized Cho and began dancing with her in order to make Cedric jealous.

"Note to self." he murmured "Tell Voldemort to kill Cedric."

He hated the little brat anyway, so killing his crush would be exhilarating.

After all, if he couldn't have his crush's affections, then no one else will.


	2. The Infestation of Pairings (part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are some things that can't be unseen.

Harry Potter sighed. He was ready for an afternoon of blissful sleep.

With that, he opened the Room of Requirement.

The first thing he saw was Mad-Eye Moody humping a shoe. 

He shrugged it off and continued on. 

Kreacher stood on one of the tables, trying to grasp.....air.

"Kreacher will do anything to be worthy of the great R.A.B." the elf whispered in a strangled voice 

Now Harry could see a translucent ghost hovering right in front of Kreacher. The elf was trying to grab him, to no avail.

Two potion masters were sitting on two of the chairs, staring at one another intently.

"She loved me the best!" Slughorn declared theatrically "She gave me a fish!"

"That was courtesy, nothing more." Snape sneered "I was her best friend!"

"And yet I am the one she married." the ghost of James Potter stated smugly

At this, both of the living men turned on him.

"You were an error in judgment." Snape said flatly "One she should never have made."

"For once, I agree with Snape." Slughorn's eyes narrowed "Someone with her talent deserved better than the likes of you."

Harry pursed his lips and moved onward.

Winky was sitting in his favorite chair, a tankard of butterbeer in hand. 

"To master Barty and his continued health." Winky was saying "Winky would love to have master Barty back, for she loved him in a romantic way."

Harry couldn't figure out whether she meant the father or the son. Considering one was dead and the other soulless, she could have meant both.


End file.
